Apathetic Epitaph

I don't have
Much longer to go.
Seven years and I'll do away
With myself.
So I ask
Why not?
Let's explore the world;
And hear grass breathe,
Hear the moon sing,
And dance with music inside me.
I want to feel words,
And be a statement,
And lie in thoughts as I see
Future and past fly by me;
Past posters of gods
With guitars.
I won't care about people dying
Or the ignorant ranting on the street.
I'll smile when someone insults me,
Because they won't feel this,
Or see the simplicity.
So I heard it from a friend;
A friend and a song
By a band all velvety.
Maybe I'll try it.
I probably will;
And two words when I die,
Carved into stone:
"Why not?"

Angel of Darkness Pull Me Under

Angel Of Darkness
Take Me Away
Away From This Life
Away From This Pain
Pull Me Deep Under
To A Place I Can Hide
A Place Like No Other
A Place I Can Die.
Wrapped In Your Wings
So Tight I Can't Breath
Alone In This Darkness
No One Can Hear My Screams

Somebody Save Me
Somebody Help Me

I Don't Want To Die Tonight

I Just Want The Pain To Go Away

Nothing Can Stop This Bloodloss
And The Razor Lies In The Bathroom Sink

Angel Of Darkness

it always feels like i'm walking backwards
i don't know where i stand.
walking with arms wide open
just to find that i'm still
empty hand
x
can you find my shadow
when your heading towards the sun
i'm walking towards a blanket of darkness
when i feel like i should run
x
you are the ghost that haunts me
in my dreams of yesterday
if you ever return to me
please don't go away
wait until morning
stay with me tonight
since the moment
that you went away
nothing seems to feel right
x
i can't forget your face
and i still feel the touch of your skin
ever breath. i breath for you
now i hope my lungs give in
x
so wrap your loving arms my throat
squeeze until i can not scream
wake me from this nightmare
kill all of my dreams
x
so angel of darkness
please come back again
i know you're out there
and i'll follow you till the end

Alone (You Can't Hear My Screams)

i hate
i hate this world
this whole world
gave me nothing
only pain

and i am
screaming
out for you

i am screaming
and you're not there

so lost
i am so
broken
but you don't even care

locked inside this torment

save me from this nightmare

i'm screaming out
but you don't even care

lost inside this world

alone

not fair

(pretend i don't exist)

Alone (Suffocate Me)

i am [ ALONE ]
with the
lack of your presence
[ I WILL FAIL ] again

[ NEVER AGAIN ] will i
[ RISE ABOVE ]
i fight for air
[ ONLY ] to be [ PULLED DOWN ]
suffocated

[ SUFFOCATE ME ]

i am alone
[ WITH THE ]
[ LACK OF YOU'RE PRESENCE ]
[ I WILL FAIL ] again

[ GOD SAVE ME ]

never again [ WILL I ]
[ SEE THE LIGHT ]
doomed for a life
of torment and pain
[ WITH THESE SHACKLES NAILED ]
[ TO MY FEET ]

[ AND ]
[ THIS NOOSE ]
[ WRAPPED AROUND MY NECK ]

and i believe

i am alone

All I Need Is Gasoline And An Alibi

I Started This Scene. Tonight I Will Destroy It / All I Need Is Gasoline And An Alibi-

You Only Liked
What Was Popular
You Only Liked
What's Scene
Tonight I'll Destroy
What You Came To Love

You Don't Mean A Thing

You Were Not There From The Start
Why Should You Be There In The End
You Think Your An Individual
But You're Just Another Trend

Slit Your Throat
It's Over Now
You're Scenes Dead
You're Not Hardcore

A Recurring Nightmare

i can't keep heading this way
i've seen this once before
this broken glass
is hard to walk through
of broken picture frames
across the floor
i tried to go in silence
but i can help but scream
think this is a nightmare
but i'm stuck living this dream
can you wake me up
tell me this blood is not real.
to a place i can recover
and give my
wounds a chance to heal
end it all
just pull the trigger
stab the knife a little deeper

A Love That Kills - Heroin

Im addicted to a drug
An addiction beyond my control
Ive tried to cure my addiction
But I just cant let it go

The drug once said he loved me
His name was heroin
I tried to quit him once before
And hes never been back again

In weakness there were a few times
Where I injected him deep inside me
Id hoped he would have come back to his love
And together once more we'd be

Logically I know
He does not want to be with me
But when Im high on his love
Logic I no longer see

So I tried to replace my addiction
By using other drugs
The other drug Im hooked on now
Isnt the one I love

What about my other addiction
Do I quit him so
Is heroin my only love
Does my other drug love me so

I do not want to hurt him
Or make him think he's not what I need
But the truth of my addictions remains
I need my heroin, poppy seed

I am a heroin junky
An addict to the core
After my first heroin hit
Ive always needed more

I am a user no doubt
I use to hide the pain
But the worst pain I ever felt
Was losing my heroin
Inject me with your love
Keep me safe and sane
Run yourself through my body
Take away my pain

Coming down away from him
Makes my mind combust
Id give my heart and my soul
For one more needle thrust

I have lost all that matters
My virginity, sanity, and love
I want to overdose on him
Because I lost my heroin drug

a blue moment in paradise

they meet again

in the same place

at the same time.

neither of them invited,

yet simultaneously showing up anyway.

she closes her eyes to feel Her.

opens her eyes to pray.

gets lost in every line of Her,

anticipating Her touch of the day.

She turns slightly towards her

enough to acknowledge

that she's there,

then inconspicously tucks back

a piece of hair behind her ear,

an action so common to others there,

but a sensual sweep of her senses

as She knows so well.

She returns to the business at hand

knowing that she's just waiting patiently

in the backdrop of present company

while She continues working the

figurative stage confidently.

in a moment awaited,

Her perfume makes its way

into the core of her mind as

Her body language advances

from business to pleasure

motioning her to follow closely behind.

when they reach the destination,

She approaches her with determination,

gently grazing her hand.

she follows into the dark passages

where so many memories

with Her have been planned.

She leads her into Her place,

corners her in Her embrace.

she falls into Her body

letting Her take every breath

into the mysterious labyrinth

She dictates.

each moment's kiss

delightfully orchestrated rage

of carefully postured passion,

art's brush upon a lover's page.

body to body,

pressed roses between

cotton parchment prints of heat,

surging upwards and

mingling the rapture

of day thoughts into

night thoughts,

sweeping emotions into a rolling wave,

tsunami tumbling foward

overtaking crumbling walls

as inhibition falls,

and by the stroke of ten

fingers upon keys softly playing

muffled notes of music

long laying between sheets

newly lain,

she forces herself into Her shoulders,

mouth gripping the fabric over her skin,

shuttering in a moment's rush between

the rise and fall of a harmonic pattern

so filled with emotional hues

that such a moment in paradise

can only be likened in memory

to melodies captured in the fingertips

of the one stroking her sax and

playing the blues.

The Bullet Heard Around The World

I Will Never Speak Your Name
You Don't Deserve The Fame
Someone Such As You
Only Deserves Shame
How Could You Kill Someone
That Was Just So Great
And All They Ever Stood For
Was Just To Stop The Hate
Instead You Shot A Bullet
Into Everyones Heart
Just So You Could Be Famous
I Wouldn't Want To Play That Part
Just Hope You Don't Get Let Out
You Won't Be Able To Hide
You ****ed Off Alot Of People
The Day That Lennon Died
Imagine There's A Heaven
For You. You Better Try
The Truth Is
You Deserve To Fry
You May Say
That I'm A Dreamer
But I'm Not The Only One
I Hope Someday. You Will Suffer
For All...
You Ever Done

Whats Wrong With Me

The darkness calls when I’m alone,
To tempt me with its lure.
It comes to me when I feel pain,
When I feel insecure.
It tempts me with the things I’ve done,
Bad things so far from proud.
It makes me cry I hate myself,
I scream for death aloud.

I cut myself to change the pain,
From deep emotions hold.
I hide myself inside my mind,
To warm my heart from cold.
I see my blood drip from my shell,
My life blood drains away.
The pain to feel, it makes me real,
The numbness stays at bay.

Water and Absence

The water seeps into...these open wounds
An array of colours...fill this empty room
Bleeding life into dead-shot eyes
Hearts overflowing with maggots and lies
Enough to kill, but not to care
About these thoughts/I cannot bare
Silence is golden (And nothing gold can stay)
But the absence of your voice hurts more than anything...
In these hours where our minds escape
Somehow reality feels so fake
And the wall leads to another side
Where stars are more than just rocks that have died

But I can't go without leaving something behind...

The Girl With Schizophrenia

The girl with schizophrenia
She sometimes has a fantasy
Of security, fulfilment, contentment
And reality

The girl with schizophrenia
She dreams about what might have been
A stable life, a happy home
Career opportunities

The girl with schizophrenia
She contemplates reality
The loneliness, the emptiness
The stigma of insanity

The girl with schizophrenia
An outcast from society
She can't pretend or try to be
What she knows she cannot be

The girl with schizophrenia
She's almost won the race you see
To cope with life today
And be just who she wants to be

The Beauty of Insanity

scratch the wall
scratch...scratch...scratch...
fork..no..fingernails
wind screeching and wailing
scratch...
hysteria, laughter
ethereal jealousy
white
melting
melting...and scratching...
paranoia
no exposing
dont turn around
and scratching...
wailing...
and scratching...
the laughter, and laughter
hysteria, and laughter
scratching
and a hand on the face
dont turn around

Stress and Schizophrenia

This schizophrenic life, I must confess,

Fears the scourge, the antagonist called stress.

I live less, I let ambition contort,

I be the tortoise, my life I abort;

Not completely though, that would be defeat,

But of past nightmares I wish no repeat.

Memories surface of the burning pain; A sentence in Hell, but I live again.

The hare may pass me by but I'm content

To ramble, not letting envy ferment.

Gradual the recovery may be,

Reducing stress is a good remedy.

Static Sky

Static in the sky
voices in the wind
bleeding polka dots
oozing through the clouds
whispering my name
the wind calls me
the static finds me
no matter where I go
the sun blinds me
pulls the prism of the clouds
through my bleeding eyes
the rays of light
pierce my brain
like the lobotomist's knife
I crave the cold night
the darkness and comfort
of the shadows' light
It calls me
It won't let me go

Schizy Head

Acid burning through my veins,
black ice of the freezing dark.
Death... no, worse than death
the annulment of all thought.
This is surely what Artaud knew.
The scar tissue of my mind
is struggling to know, but failing
till all that's left is the blackness.
How many ways i could be betrayed ?
Surrounded by pirhanas of dementia,
torn to pieces and reassembled so neatly.
This singularity of pain is eternal.
I hold my head in hands at the table.
Will others see and judge my despair?
They impose a million categories on my formlessness
the unsorted shoehorned into a grand scheme
but this mandala only impoverishes
in specialisation things have turned rancid
the necessary performances of life rankle
i dont want to have to project myself any more
passion is fading, spontaneity waning
I'll be left with the drama
but as the actor my heart's not in it
or that sudden inexplicable shame will appear...
it's one of my hallmarks.
A confidence trickster have I become,
lying about my social definition,
the eternally alienated.
My spew has become a novel
yes, vomitus a poem
the natural is filthy to the critics
yet i embellish my root truths with curliques
and hope for appreciation.
i have seen the uniqueness of my karma
and know how to tell the story of my satori
Cain's unique mark upon the brow
i am fascinated by the imprint of experience
i want to grok true complexity
(it's in my life right now, I find)
the purity of irrationals has fascinated me,
endless varying detail going by such a simple name
the bottomlessness of a numeric rabbit hole
when i look to the horizon i see that kind of richness
varying slices of greying land
i learn to love the detail
a zoomable backdrop of kentish fields.
opiates, end of hope for happiness
sweet and getting sweeter
but they gray out bits of self
like unreachable landscapes
Can you have too much comfort ?
heroin seems definitely like that
Steve has sold his stoicism
morphing himself into compromise
One cigarette a symbol of surrender
i follow in his path briefly
Psychedelics too are so crude.
random splatters upon the self's canvas
i want poetic sensibility
experience and emotion
not just to be intoxicated
but ever do I ply myself with this stuff
compulsively, as if it is medicine
i wait for history to unfold
i want the singularity to come
I find new disciplines each hour
observing the creep of advancing tech
opening mind ever wider
using the wonder for more motivation
shattering the ice of consciousness
dutifully reading science news
cursing my poverty
not of finance but of thought
waiting for pete to comment
grinding against these smooth boulders my limits
The confines of neurotransmitter balance
doing my best to let the cares wash away like glacier milk
i am a wounded scientist
crippled i stumble through a landscape of unfinished equations
the detritus of a lack of diligence is strewn here
i have even turned to God at times
breaking the empirical law in desperation
but, impoverished, my imagination flits from one shallowness to another
I never get to hold my truths for long.
or are we all like this ?
have i been duped that i am ill ?
yes this is a familiar thought too
not madness but the human condition,
universally unsatisfactory.
I must plough on through the snow
breaking the trail is so hard.
But give me a year
and i'll have covered miles...
give me some fuel,
and I'll hoist myself to the top of a hill,
look down at the pedestrians
and know it's still all worthwhile.

SCHIZOPHRENIA

Everybody laughs at me
I ignore them

Everybody stares at me
Stare at them back

Everybody shouts at me
Roar at them back

Everybody swears at me
Keep your lips zipped

Everybody threatens me
Must be paranoid

Everybody Stresses me up
Make them feel stressed

Schizo-Paranoia

Echoes whisper--voices freeze
ashes of insanity.
Pain expressed in silhouettes
a shadow of disfigurement.

Darkness sets on desolation,
beating, clawing for escape.
He screams for help, please let me out
stop these walls from closing in.

Reflection hazed and dimming life
through sparks of rage and shining silver.
Winding, drowning in the screams--
crimson streaks and splattered scenes.

Heavy breathing--demons chime
twisting through this desparation.
Vitality through mangled flesh,
chewing bone and fatty tissue.

Lullabies of darkened rhymes are
etched inside his fragile mind.
Spiraling into damnation--
hollowed soul of resurrection.

Flesh is sliced--a violent rape
victims of defilement.
Bound and gagged--innards bled
a struggle for their sanity.

Lost on trails of misty gloom,
branches scratch and dig at skin.
Tears of rain midst shrouded tombs,
their throats are cut near burials.

Sacrificial mutilation,
schizophrenics laugh and play.
Murder weapon of their choice that
causes so much agony.

Inside the head of paranoia,
laughing, stalked by demon pleas.
Crying, slashing at the beast,
a gutted victim at your feet.

A smile set to spurting life,
a bath of warmth and tender flesh.
Intestines curled around your corpse,
engulfed inside demented fun.

The doors of death have closed their wings,
rasping breathing emenates.
Running, running, faster! RUN
quickly NOW THEY'VE GAINED ON YOU.

Trapped and doomed in endless clutches,
panic stricken--voices pound.
The will to live has lessened for
you've fallen and you've lost the game.

Morphine laced--such ghastly dreams,
a spray of blood through sacrifice.
A scalpel dragged across the throat
to end this schizophrenic life.

My Doom

The voices in my head are
telling me that I need to be dead.

But before I put that knife to my wrist
and decide to end my life.

They tell me what to do once more,
as I watch you walk in my door.

I run to my drawer
I pull out my gun, before you know it, you can hear its mighty roar.

I shot you down
but I have no sympathy for it was me, you tried to drown.

Bleeding onto my now dirty floor
I see the inside of you that was filled with only dirty gore.

I loved you not
and you will forever be forgot.

I will be joining you soon
but I must not forget it was your death that loomed and made me escape to my doom.

Inner Voices

They hate me, if I'm bad or if I am good
They hate me more when I make myself understood
They hate me straight, they hate me stoned
They hate me, told me so when they phoned
So there's no need to feel blue
If you find you hate me too

They laugh at me when I go out on the town
They laugh at me when I am laying down
They laugh at me when I close my bedroom door
They laugh so hard they are rolling on the floor
So there's no need to feel blue
If you want to laugh at me too

They think I'm trash when I am waiting on tables
They think I'm trash when I read their children fables
They think I'm trash when I need change for a buck
They think I'm trash, but I don't give a fuck
So there's no need to feel blue
If you think I'm trash too

HAUNTED

All my life I've been haunted
By the ghosts of someone else's past
And all I've ever wanted
Is to walk barefoot in the grass

Can't you hear the voices screaming
late at night, with the stars all aglow
Please don't wake me if I'm dreaming
I want to be free, I want to let go

Cut these strings that bind me
to this life full of pain
Let me drift where none can find me
Somewhere beyond the rain

By the light of day, I am crying
It ain't right, so I'm told
They say I really should be trying
but the summer sun is so cold

Your tender words are like
pouring gasoline on a fire
They bring me no relief,
they only inflame my desire

And the heart that I gave so freely
has come apart at the seams
And the need to feel something
drives us on to new extremes

So in the twilight's last gleaming
I sold my soul for whiskey and gold
And the illusion of true love
from a boy just 16 years old

Pain

pain, sharp, cutting pain
feeling unlike any others
this pain comes with memories
like daggers and knives and spears
that is what it feels like in my head
awsome, loving pain, pain
this comes from the body
a pain of longing
of desire. a pain like the
burning of a fire
pain, of fear, darkness
pain, from loneliness
a pain from the heart
a pain of wanting to
be with you so that
i will have no more pain

Visions Of Thoughts In My Head

thoughts
mind wanders
through different things
dont know
how to feel
or what to think
many things
to think about
the past seems to come back
to me
and a tear runs down my cheek
im not supposed
to think about it
not about her anymore
i didnt want to be
with her
it didnt work out
but our song plays
and thoughts of her
come flooding back
and i remember
the good times
we had

Painful Thoughts

The razorblade
take away the pain
it cuts so slowly
so softly
let my pain bleed away
You all assume so much about me
will I be safe in my room
I do not let you in
I do not speak to you anymore
when I was 5 you couldnt get me to stop talking
now im 24 and you cant get me to start talking
im a tattered angel
withered and died
not ever to be reborn from this hell that I live in
lost, and slowly assuming the fetal position
want to cry
want to slowly die
get high cos that is all there is to do
get high cos it makes you feel so good
get high cos you will have a chance to die
there once was a time when everything was beautiful
and nothing hurt
but I don’t remember that time
everything has always been so painful
I’ve always hurt deep down inside my soul, in my mind
in my heart
my happiness is short lived
it always has been
*> kiss my pain away
make it all go away
so I don’t hurt anymore
pain is all I’ve ever felt
im lost
deep down inside my mind
something that I cannot find
cut, cut deeper, till you hit the veins
and let your life bleed away
and you will no longer be in pain
unloved, unhappy, lost and confused
I cut cos I like seeing the dripplets of blood run down my arm
its rock bottom
I’ve hit the last notch
im laying against the bathtub
on the floor in a pool of my blood
dazed and confused
laying there in my own blood
laying there looking at what I did to myself
be careful, I am dangerous
not to you, to myself
id never survive without you holding my hand....id die
nobody can hear me scream
No one can see me
what the hell is your problem
do you not hear me
no you don’t
you don’t hear me
you don’t see me
you don’t listen to my cry’s for help
your lies leave scars upon my arms
fuck you
erase you
hate you
dream you
need you
lose you
scar you
smash you
KILL ME I lied to you
I kissed you
I touched you
I love you
I fucked you
I left you
I hurt you
I live for you
I comfort you
I love you
love is the slowest form of suicide
without it you are gone
stop the pain
stop the pain
stop the pain
stop the pain
fuck off
fuck off and die
its another fucking day
in hell
the one you love to hate
is in the mirror
so look in and take a look at yourself
you look at my arms
as they are a bloody mess
and I say to you
I am okay
im okay I swear
I will be ok
the pain is temporary
covered in my own blood
I feel so beautiful
kiss me
because your lips are so soft
and so luscious
inside, deep down inside
I am so weak and powerless
I try to build myself up
saying that I am a good person
and try not to be so negative but it just don’t go away
the thoughts don’t subside
they stay with me everyday
kill me faster with strawberry gashes all over
let the razorblade slash my arms
up and down
all over and all around
fuck you
fuck you
my lips are sewn
kiss me
and taste the blood
im hurting inside
the person I am
has died
and I think about her
and im sitting here
and im holding onto
a dream that wont come true
I know im a loser
but you know you love me
Torn
withered away
laying here bloody
spots of blood on the papers
as I sit here and write about suicide
and how I wish I could die
if I pull the trigger
this nightmare I have in my head will go away
I never want us to fade out
resting on a love that fell apart
where are you
I need you
you still have my heart
I hurt myself
so you cant
but I wont forget the way you love me
every scar tells a story
about who you are
im pissed now but its all good, i hate life
it sucks
but oh well
gotta live it one day at a time
im completely incomplete
the puzzles are left to be put together
but you wont understand how I am feeling inside
blood can be so pretty
so shiny
so red
so dark
the smell of blood is luscious
what have I become
I have become what I hate
I hate myself
I hate who I am
I hate me
I hate me, myself and I
I have let myself bleed
sad eyes
lay upon such a beautiful face
that suicide was the only option
what have I become
want me to prove that im a lesbian
hell no
fuck you asshole
why do I gotta be something that you want me to be
why cant I be who I want to be
I don’t want to live to be who you want me to be
that is not who I am
I live for myself
even though I hate who I have become
love is an excuse to get hurt
and if love is an excuse to hurt
then hurt me
please hurt me
so slice open my veins
and let the romance that I have for you bleed away
im everything that I hate
I hate myself
time goes on forever
but time wont make things better
it wont make things go away
I took your picture
and tore it up
I cant look at it without crying
remember kids
slice your arm "down the road"not "across the street"
I laughed the loudest
who’d of known
when I was on the floor
with the gun laying next to my hand
that my laughter is a cry for help
take pills
ESCAPE
ESCAPE into a vague world of unknowingness
I don’t know who I am
I am lost
lost in a world that I will never find myself
it has already damaged me now
and I am lost
there is no more hope for me
stop wishing that I would get better
cos I wont
the more I hurt
the more I scream
you cannot hear me
you cannot see me
not the real me
not who I am
not what I am about
what I am thinking
or what I am going through
please don’t ever go away
please don’t leave me here
I hurt without you
baby I miss you so bad
why did there have to be lies
why did trust have to be broken
im sorry
im so sorry
im a geek
a loser
a freak
im emo
a nerd
a slut
a skater
a dyke
a rocker
a bitch
all these labels
your words
leave scars on my arms
nobody said it was easy
cut me
slice me
Blood red strawberry scars on my arms
im not afraid
put the gun into my hand
don’t think about it
just pull the trigger
shards of glass
skies of gold
steal my breath
blood runs cold
violet waves
oceans blue
all my love
lost in you
what did I do
to deserve this pain
I am the god of fuck
fuck me
I don’t care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
a perfect soul
depression, suicide, bipolar disorder
I suffer from these all
just forget me
its that simple
your hell is when
you’re dreaming and im awake
be a nightmare in my sleep
scare me forever
like a bullet in my soul
kill me forever
I’ll never be perfect...Happy....Beautiful....Good enough...Yours....Lets cut our wrist
like cheap coupons
and say that death was
on sale today
im not like them
I cant pretend
Lost
Confused
Delusional
Ignored
Unwanted
not beautiful
lost soul
my emotions make me who I am
I can be safe here in this white brick room
Unharmed
lost still
confused still
it’s a good year
for a murder
let me take the wheel
I’ll crash this car
do you have to make this so hard
nothing tastes as good as thin feels
anorexia isnt a lifestyle
it’s a sickness that I am
not yet ready to recover from
the dreams in which
im dying
are the best I ever had
writing is my art
writing is my way to vent
put the weight on my shoulders
and the pain in my heart
tie the knots in my stomach
and you’ll let it tear me apart
so tear me apart
so I could be everything you need
I hate me
I hate me
I hate myself
I hate myself
I hate who I am
I hate who I have become
I hate who I will be
I hate who I will become
the pain is my release
I wanted to be just like you
so perfect
so wanted
so untouchable

Happiness is a Cold Razor

The darkness building up inside,
My mind and flesh are numb.
So cold this shell, in which I dwell,
And so my demons come.
Why can’t I feel no joy, no pain,
My God, I’m dead inside.
I need to end this living death,
My senses have denied.

A sharpened blade on naked flesh,
It rests before the slide.
I take a breath, defy the death,
And let the razor glide.
A line is formed in razor’s wake,
As blood stampedes the slit.
It drips and runs, it stings and stuns,
A recess from the shit.

I feel again, I smile and cry,
I need to go again.
I place the blade back in the slit.
So deep, so strange, Amen!!!
The flesh is warm, the blade is cold,
And so my senses reel.
An alien tip inside my flesh,
There must be more to feel.

I lay back holding hand to wound,
Like a junkie with a fix.
I laugh and cry, I smile and wince,
My brain needs pain for kicks.

Denial

Along the cobblestone path I walked

Somewhere along the way

I lost myself.

It hardly mattered,

I climbed a tree or two,

And there were wildflowers growing everywhere,

In the springtime the sun would glance at me

From behind the cirrus clouds

Perhaps only to greet me

Upon this path I walked every morning

I walked alone, and in the summertime,

I became a patron saint.

Enamored of the deer, I was, and

I adored the blue jays,

I sang with the mockingbirds.

I danced with the evergreens that

Swayed in the cool autumn breeze,

In my solitude

I would walk along this path in the wintertime,

Through the falling snow I could envision

Miles ahead of me

Branches and branches of barren trees encased in ice,

I would wonder if this is what heaven others spoke of-

Too spectacular to be deemed reality-

I whispered back to the voices that spoke to me

Only I could hear.

Somewhere along the way I had lost myself.

It hardly mattered

I was a child of the wilderness

The deer, the evergreens and the barren maple trees

And the voices inside my head,

Together, we became a family.

It is late summer, and

The air is sultry.

The woods are a place that I find peace and harmony

I hear the locusts screaming,

The chanting of the crickets, and the song of the nightingale, as the

Evening would set in.

I have been called a wounded spirit, a lost soul.

I hear voices whispering above the locusts’ screaming,

I feel my tears falling with the rain which

Has just begun to fall from the approaching storm.

A storm is raging inside of me.

Somewhere along the way

I lost myself.

It hardly matters though, as

Wildflowers are growing everywhere,

Canadian wild geese are flying home in V formation.

I have fallen in love with the splendor of the woodlands.

I talk back to the voices that speak to me gently and unobtrusively.

Somewhere along the way,

Somebody found me and snatched me from my home space,

Took me away to a cinderblock building, and closed the door behind.

Now I find myself walking up and down a long hall-

The floors are tiled, and the walls are white and endless,

Everything is antiseptic- clean, and

Strange people, dazed and sleepy-eyed are pacing up and down the halls,

Somewhere along the way,

I became lost, and then found.

I miss the evergreens, the sun and the song of the whippoorwills, and even the

Screaming of the locusts.

But the voices inside my head and I -

We are still a family_

BULLET IN MY HEAD

Voices in my head like a bullet in my head
Agony in my mind
Each voice feels like a splinter in my skull
like shards of bone, fragments that turn into a nagging pain

The nagging pain like a bullet in my head
The insults hurtling at me
arguments with me, about me
Flying round and round
round and round
It feels like there's a bullet in my head
I can't get it out
Nothing can take away the pain
SCHIZOPHRENIA
A bullet in my head

Born Like This

Before I was born, I’d already gone bad
Really such a shame, and ain’t it so sad
Still in the womb and already mad
If you’ve the guts then come and be me
Born fucking crazy and always will be

Whispers of hatred in my little girl’s bed
Shouting in silence here in my head
Wanting the pain, wanting me dead
You don’t really want to see what I see
Born fucking crazy and always will be

Sleepless now for nigh on 10 years
Dying slow, drowned in a sea of fears
Hating the sight and the taste of my tears
Wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy
Born fucking crazy and always will be

Listen very hard you won’t hear a sound
But the voices are screaming around and around
I’ll never escape till I’m in the ground
Running in terror from what will set me free
Born fucking crazy and always will be

Crowded alone in the dark of the night
Seeking an excuse, a reason to fight
Fighting the words, alone, out of sight
It’s just who I am, this is just what is me
Born fucking crazy and always will be

BLEEDING

Showed up at a wedding dressed in mourning
things got strange without warning
can't you hear them when they start to scream
don't tell me it's a dream
please don't hate me
just forsake me
and turn away from me
I'm only bleeding

Signals coming in a little hazy
take your pills or you'll go crazy
On the outside everything's serene
but my thoughts are obscene
there's no need to stay
and ruin your day
just be on your way
I'm only bleeding

Sometimes I try so hard it seems a crime
but I fall down every time
wake up on the floor my senses reeling
it's such a lonely feeling
There's no need to stay
and ruin your day
just be on your way
I'm only bleeding

Slowly peel away one more layer of skin
and let the treatment begin
the doctors all say I will be healed
but the records are all sealed
please don't hate me
just forsake me
and turn away from me
I'm only bleeding

Acute Schizophrenia Paranoia Blues

I’m too terrified to walk out of my own front door,
They’re demonstrating outside I think they’re gonna start the third world war,
I’ve been to my local head shrinker,
To help classify my disease,
He said it’s one of the cases of acute schizophrenia he sees.

Well the milkman’s a spy, and the grocer keeps on following me,
And the woman next door’s an undercover for the k.g.b.,
And the man from the social security
Keeps on invading my privacy,
Oh there ain’t no cure for acute schizophrenia disease.

I’ve got acute schizophrenia paranoia too,
Schizophrenia, schizophrenia,
I’ve got it, you’ve got it, we can’t lose,
Acute schizophrenia blues.

I’m lost on the river, the river of no return,
I can’t make decisions, I don’t know which way I’m gonna turn,
Even my old dad, lost some of the best friends he ever had,
Apparently, his was a case of acute schizophrenia too.

I got acute schizophrenia paranoia too,
Schizophrenia, schizophrenia,
I’ve got it, you’ve got it, we can’t lose,
Acute schizophrenia blues,

They’re watching my house and they’re tapping my telephone,
I can’t trust nobody, but I’m much too scared to be on my own
And the income tax collector’s got his beady eye on me,
Oh there ain’t no cure for acute schizophrenia disease.

No there ain’t no cure for
Schizophrenia disease.

A schizophrenic moment

To live within the mind of a schizophrenic is to know true fear!

A flash of shadow in the dark
Fleeing feet encased in dew
Winded from this reckless flight
Too fearful yet to stop and breath

Each shadow seems to hold a menace
Each hushed sound just renews the terror
But just ahead a place of refuge
And safety from this feel of dread

A bronze key rams into the lock
and hastily it opens
Behind the slammed door finally
The ragged breaths soon slow

But even here within this safety
The paranoia brings unease
As voices ring between her ears
And push against her senses

The food that was just purchased
Tastes tinged with something foreign
And water from the faucet
Has lost the clarity expected

She looks at all the pills that lay
Spilled out across the kitchen table
And thanks the Lord that she has learned
That they deliver poison

She sits all crumpled in a corner
Her eyes alert for any danger
Her mind awash with rampant thought
Too scared to move, from this small spot.