I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to explode
With the way I’ve been feeling lately
I know I will eventually explode
My mind is a dangerous playground
I think I’m tired of playing
The thoughts try to control me
No one understands
No one can see
They try to take me over
All these thoughts are bad
Not sad
But mad
Anger
A rage inside me
I can't control it
It won't go away
I sometimes feel like I have no more control
I’m afraid I will do something I will forever regret
It just won't stop
It’s not something I can help
I can’t help the way I feel
I can’t help the way I think
I can’t help that I have the thoughts that I do
My meds work when I take them
But I don’t always remember to take them
Not taking my meds
Is messing with my head
If I don’t control it someone might end up dead
If I don’t control it my life will be over
If I don't control it I’ll end up dead
Trying to find who I once was
But I keep coming back to the person that I am now
This is not me
I have never had these thoughts before
I have never had so much rage
Never had so much anger
Never had so much pain
I’ve never been this paranoid
I want to run & run
But I just can’t move
I want to hide
But there is nowhere to hide
I want to escape reality sometimes
So I write poetry or get on the Internet
Sometimes I just want to make all the problems disappear
But there would be consequences to my actions
And I wouldn’t like the repercussions
Sometimes I feel like all I’m doing is running from my problems
Run & run
All I do is rush sometimes
Sometimes I feel like life is passing me by
And I don't know what to do or why
All I want to do is sleep and cry
But at the same time
I don’t want to sleep at all
I just want to stay awake
Yet I don’t want to have to face reality
I hate the life that Jen & I are living now
It’s really not our faults though
There is no one to blame
We all make mistakes
This is just what life has thrown at us
Sometimes I wonder if we are strong enough to survive this
Or if we will both have a breakdown or if only one of us will
So far we have been strong enough to survive this
Though it’s getting harder & harder to deal with it
The depression is setting in big time
It’s getting worse
Nothing is getting better at all
I hope things get better soon cos I can't take much more of this
And I can already tell that Jen has had enough
I feel like Jen is going to soon have a breakdown
Like she has had enough
She can’t take much more of this life
She can’t take much more of this stress
She can’t take much more of this drama
She can’t take much of any of this
Shit seems to get worse & worse everyday
Sometimes I think this nightmare that we are living will never end
I'm tired of being sick & tired
I ran out of my medicine
And now I have no energy anymore
I sometimes never feel like doing anything at all
At the same time I would do anything to get out of the house
And so would Jen
I'm tired of feeling this way
I just don't know what to do anymore
I sometimes feel like just giving up the fight
The fight against depression
I think it has already won
I think it has already taken me over
I know it’s already won over Jen
It’s already taken her over
It always gets worse in the evening & at night
It’s just so easy to pop a bunch of pills
And get high
And forget all my worries
Forget all my cares
Forget everything around me really
Would be happier if I was popping a bunch of pills
It’s not even about doing it for the thrills
Life for me has just gotten that bad
Just feel like taking a razorblade to my arm
And making a piece of art
You then could see all the different pretty red colors
Blood is so shiny
It is so smooth
It is so red
Yet so dark at the same time
However I just can’t bring myself to cut
I don’t even have the energy to do that
I am just that depressed
I would rather sit in my own little world
Processing the thoughts in my head
Thinking to myself
Or writing poetry
Getting the words out
Sometimes I wish I could scream & shout
This is all his fault
He is to blame
He is the reason our moods change so quickly
We go from happy to depressed so fast
We are fine by ourselves
But around him our bipolar & depression kicks in
Wish life would change soon
This bipolar really is kicking my ass big time
We are tired of living life this way
We just want it all to change soon
We are just not sure we are strong enough to survive another day
I am trying to be strong for Jen
I am trying to be the strong one
So she can be the weak one
She may be trying to be strong
But she is breaking down
This is eating at her
It’s finally going to do her in one day
She will end up in a psych ward
And I might just end up in jail
Or we both just might end up in one or the other
I have such a rage
Like an animal that’s caged
I have so much built up anger
That will probably come out sooner or later
Rage
Anger
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