I don't know something i just wrote December 7, 2009 at 9:39pm

So slice open my veins
And let me bleed for you
Bleed for the world to see
I don't want to be me

I want to run far away from this life I'm living
Hide out in the darkness
Hide away from everyone in existence

I have the taste of the last cigarette in my mouth
And I smell of cigarette smoke
My mind is racing
And my heart is pacing

I all of a sudden have so much energy
I am on top of the world
I will conquer all
I am unstoppable
No one can stop me now

Get out of my way or face the consequences
All who stand in my way shall face their death

No Good For You May 4, 2010 at 10:40pm

I'm doing no good here
Only sitting here hurting you more
And that's the last thing I ever wanted to do
I feel like I'm only in your way
You're obviously unhappy and so am I
I don't know what to do
I don't want you out of my life
I don't want to lose you
You're my best friend
You always listen to me when I'm down
I know I don't always listen to you
I'm not a good listener
I'm not a good helper
I'm stuck on myself
I'm lazy
And inconsiderate
I don't think about others feelings
I don't know where life will take me
And I don't know where this is going to go
But I feel like I'm only holding you back
Holding you back from what I don't know
I'm no help to you
I'm no good to you
I thought I had many skills and many talents
But I've lost them all
I'm no good to you
No good to anyone
I've got myself into a funk
And I can't get out of it
I live each day waiting for the hours to pass until I can go back to bed
I feel numb and lost
You deserve better than me
I don't know what happened to me
Or where I went
We used to have this great love
But for some reason its gone
I know I've changed and you haven't
I don't know why I changed or how
But I did
I don't know how to get back to the old me
The me that you used to love so much
I'm going downhill
Faster and faster
I've hurt you for too long
Just tell me when its over
And I'll leave
Then you won't be hurting anymore
I didn't want it to end
But I don't know how to get back to where we used to be
The times when we were so happy
When life was happy
I'm not happy and I know you're not either
What do you suggest we do about it?
I'm no good
I'm no good for you
I'm no good for anyone
No good

Lost In A Dream February 20, 2011 at 8:58pm

Hidden by fears

Lay in a comotose state

Driven by the will to succeed

Lost my mind indeed

Time is running out

There is no doubt

Keep on pushing the limit

The days pass me by

The end is near

I fear

Must reach my goal

Must reach my destination

Keep on pushing myself

Keep on fighting the fight

The will to survive

The will to stay alive

Wake up each day

And wonder why I am this way

Can't change the past

Only can work on the present and future

Wonder what my destiny has planned for me

Keep on trying to reach my goals

Never let my dream die and get old

I sometimes sit in the dark

Alone and thinking to myself

Alone in a quiet place

My mind races

My heart paces

Its getting closer

I fear

The end is near

Goin Crazy February 21, 2011 at 3:24am

Goin crazy

Outta my head

Sometimes I wish I had a dime

So I could get high

Lose my troubles

Hurry on the double

Want to numb the pain sometimes

The pain I feel inside

This pain I try so hard to hide

Screaming

Screaming so loud

But no one can hear me screaming

I am screaming on the inside

Dance to the beat of the drum

Hum hum

These voices whisper to me

I try not to see

I try to ignore them

They just won't let me be

Darkness is surrounding me

Nightmares haunt me at night

I used to crave the touch of a blade

Used to seek strawberry gashes on my arms

I can't even bring myself to do that again

But I must say it did seem to ease the pain

Shaking back and forth

Lost my self worth

Really don't want to be alone

Even though sometimes I feel like I'm alone

Eventually find my way back home

Don't really want to be left in solitude

Battling all my thoughts

Try to get them out of my head

Forgetting all the things I should've said

Doesn't matter now

It seems that I  am too far gone

This is me

I am goin crazy

Shit I been crazy

Just maybe not this crazy

Crazy in my head

The real me was bound to come out sooner or later

Better late than never

Sorry you had to see me

See me like this

You will  begin to come to conclusions in your head

Conclusions about me that are probably wrong

Then again, they could be right

I'm goin crazy

Goin crazy in my head

Crazy I tell you

Forgot the things I should've said

Ignore me, its okay, most people do

I often battle the demons in my head

I go to a special place where I can think & sort my thoughts

A place where I can wrestle with my thoughts

And not get caught

I'm goin crazy

Crazy in my head

Crazy but I don't think you would understand

I am not sure anyone could understand why I am the way I am

Not sure anyone would understand why I feel the way I do

I am not you could imagine what's it like to be me

Maybe you could, maybe not

I wouldn't wish it upon no one at all

I hope no one has to feel the way I feel sometimes

Wouldn't wish it upon no one

Not even my worst enemy

If you want me to leave for awhile I will

I will give everyone a break from me

If anyone is tired of me then I will just go

It will hurt me but I will be okay

I always somehow seem to manage

If I talk too much then just tell me

If I annoy you then just tell me

If I get on your nerves then just tell me

I don't mean to be a needy, overbearing person

Goin crazy

Crazy in my head

Crazy

Crazy in my head

World March 10, 2011 at 2:37am

Our world has slipped its moorings:

our population threatens to overwhelm us;

our waste products are about to smother us;

our modern weapons are capable

of obliterating us.

Because we are incapable of loving and living

for one another,

we are about to be destroyed

by our own self-centeredness

and to turn this beautiful world You have given us

into a wasted and desolate planet.

It all seems so unreal

and I feel so small and insignificant

in such a world

Wasted March 20, 2011 at 12:46am

Party hardy rock n roll

Drink a keg smoke a bowl

Life’s a bitch than you die

Let’s get drunk

Let’s get high

Let’s get fucked up

We can fly

Feeling good

Never die

Smoke rolls in the air

Give me my blunt

I don’t share

Drink a 40

Cos I knows how to party

Rock it all night

Come on man let’s not fight

Pass pass the blunt

Don’t forget to give it to Runt

Party all night long

Listening to our favorite song

Let it flow

Let it go

Let it rhyme

Do anything to get a dime

Get wasted

Busted

Got to face it

Rhyme and reason

It’s the season

Get wasted every day

This is my life

This is the way

Wasted

Don’t got nothing else to say

Poem I wrote about a dream I had, called Iraqi Dream March 20, 2011 at 6:00pm

I had a dream

Some may call it a nightmare

I would say it was more of a nightmare then a dream

Since the Army I’ve had nightmares

Nightmares are a reoccurring thing for me

In the nightmare

I was in the Army

Wearing my Army BDU’s

I was in Iraq

In the desert

The hot sun beating down on me

As sweat ran down my forehead

I was shooting Iraqi’s

One after another

The rag heads were dropping like flies

There was a house nearby in the middle of the desert

I quickly ran for cover and headed in the direction of the house

I ended up safely getting to the house

I was in my own house

I had my family living with me

Yet, in the dream it wasn’t my real family

I took cover near a window

Shooting and shooting my M16 through the window

I was killing these guys

I saw the hatred in their eyes

I saw their pain

They were being controlled by Sadam Husain

As was my parents were being controlled by him as well

We had become prisoners in our own home

I refused to become a prisoner

I was in the US Army

I was fighting for my country

I was fighting for my honor

I was fighting for my life

Fighting for our lives

I kept shooting

Shoot

Shoot to kill

That’s what I was taught in the Army

Shoot, shoot to kill

I never ran out of ammunition though

I had the blood of the Iraqi’s I murdered all over me

I was soaked in their blood

It was all over my face

It was all over my uniform

Their blood had splattered on me as I murdered them

In the cover of my home in the desert

As I murdered them and their blood splattered everywhere

No more of their blood was able to be splattered on me

I was too far away

My family sat there taking cover

I was defending us

Defending my own life

And my family’s life

I kept shooting Iraqi’s

Murdering them one by one

I was covered in their blood

Their limbs being dismembered

Their insides were all over me

Their brains went everywhere as I shot them with my M16

It’s as if there were millions of Iraqi’s

They kept coming from all around

And I kept shooting them one by one

Murdering every single one of them

Watching their blood splatter all over the place

Watching their limbs flying in all directions

Watching them being dismembered

Watching their eyes pop out of their sockets

Their brain matter ooze out of their heads

This nightmare went on all night

I eventually woke up

But since that dream I have still had nightmares like this

I Want To Stab Someone March 20, 2011 at 10:40pm

At this moment how do I feel?

Trying to sit here & just deal

I feel a sort of homicidal rage inside

It’s a feeling I just can’t hide

Inside my head

I’m wishing someone was dead

I want to stab someone with a very sharp object

Someone in particular actually

I'm not going to say who

But if you know me well

Then you will know who I hate the most

The number one person on my hit list

This won’t give you a clue

Cos I have not shared my hit list with you

Yes, I want to stab someone

Stab a sharp object through his heart

I have wished that from the very start

I do not like it when anyone gets near my future wife

She is my everything, she is my life

I should have seen it coming

I’m so glad I didn’t start running

Yes I want to stab a sharp object through his heart

I have wanted to from the very start

Watching him touch her & put his hands on her enrages me

His day will come, watch and see

I sit there & watch everything around me

Cos that is how it has to be

One day I will blow my lid

And say things that should have already been said

No I will not commit murder

That is just unheard of

Though I would not physically kill him

It’s still in my mind

I want to stab a very sharp object through his heart

I have wanted to from the very start

Depression March 21, 2011 at 9:09pm

I am not happy all the time

Sometimes I feel I’ll never find happiness within myself

I live with pain, hurt, loneliness

Every day is a struggle

A struggle to survive

A battle I’m fighting within

Every breath is a fight for survival

As I gasp and slowly come up for air

I have a deep understanding of depression

I’ve lived with it all my life

I take a puff of my cigarette

Depression too often walks hand in hand with a deep sense of helplessness

I feel the evils and hurt found within our society

Lost friendships, lost loves

The way we see ourselves is often colored by alter of our depression

But no matter how badly it seems to hurt

Someone somewhere has felt it too!

Just Woke Up March 21, 2011 at 10:30pm

I just woke up

I feel like I’ve just woke up from a nightmare

But it wasn’t a dream

This is fucking reality

I hate reality

I wish I could stay numb forever

It don’t work like that

This is life

Reality bites

I’ve never in my life felt as much pain as I do right now

I never thought I would ever feel this kind of pain

It’s the worst feeling in the world

I can’t stop crying

I feel like I’m dying

I just want to stop trying

Just give up on life all together

I’m trying to be strong

But I’m at my weakest right now

But I’ve got my guard up

And I don’t trust anyone anymore

I’m building this brick wall up

I’m locking the door

I’m not letting anyone in

Too Much For Me To Handle March 21, 2011 at 11:48pm

I wish I was as invisible as you make me feel

These scars remind me the past is real

And all I can do is deal

This all feels like a dream

This can’t be happening

Make the nightmare stop

This is too much for me to bear

I try not to care

But it’s killing me inside

All this I will hide

Just want to be numb

Make this pain go away

It hurts so badly

Please tell me

I’ll wake up tomorrow

And this will never have happened

Sitting outside cold

Growing weary and old

Frozen

All alone

My dreams are forgotten

My goals are gone

Living seems pointless right now

I am nothing

I am nobody

How could this happen?

What did I do?

I don’t know what I did wrong

Soon I will be long gone

Rage Anger March 22, 2011 at 9:40pm

I'm a ticking time bomb waiting to explode

With the way I’ve been feeling lately

I know I will eventually explode

My mind is a dangerous playground

I think I’m tired of playing

The thoughts try to control me

No one understands

No one can see

They try to take me over

All these thoughts are bad

Not sad

But mad

Anger

A rage inside me

I can't control it

It won't go away

I sometimes feel like I have no more control

I’m afraid I will do something I will forever regret

It just won't stop

It’s not something I can help

I can’t help the way I feel

I can’t help the way I think

I can’t help that I have the thoughts that I do

My meds work when I take them

But I don’t always remember to take them

Not taking my meds

Is messing with my head

If I don’t control it someone might end up dead

If I don’t control it my life will be over

If I don't control it I’ll end up dead

Trying to find who I once was

But I keep coming back to the person that I am now

This is not me

I have never had these thoughts before

I have never had so much rage

Never had so much anger

Never had so much pain

I’ve never been this paranoid

I want to run & run

But I just can’t move

I want to hide

But there is nowhere to hide

I want to escape reality sometimes

So I write poetry or get on the Internet

Sometimes I just want to make all the problems disappear

But there would be consequences to my actions

And I wouldn’t like the repercussions

Sometimes I feel like all I’m doing is running from my problems

Run & run

All I do is rush sometimes

Sometimes I feel like life is passing me by

And I don't know what to do or why

All I want to do is sleep and cry

But at the same time

I don’t want to sleep at all

I just want to stay awake

Yet I don’t want to have to face reality

I hate the life that Jen & I are living now

It’s really not our faults though

There is no one to blame

We all make mistakes

This is just what life has thrown at us

Sometimes I wonder if we are strong enough to survive this

Or if we will both have a breakdown or if only one of us will

So far we have been strong enough to survive this

Though it’s getting harder & harder to deal with it

The depression is setting in big time

It’s getting worse

Nothing is getting better at all

I hope things get better soon cos I can't take much more of this

And I can already tell that Jen has had enough

I feel like Jen is going to soon have a breakdown

Like she has had enough

She can’t take much more of this life

She can’t take much more of this stress

She can’t take much more of this drama

She can’t take much of any of this

Shit seems to get worse & worse everyday

Sometimes I think this nightmare that we are living will never end

I'm tired of being sick & tired

I ran out of my medicine

And now I have no energy anymore

I sometimes never feel like doing anything at all

At the same time I would do anything to get out of the house

And so would Jen

I'm tired of feeling this way

I just don't know what to do anymore

I sometimes feel like just giving up the fight

The fight against depression

I think it has already won

I think it has already taken me over

I know it’s already won over Jen

It’s already taken her over

It always gets worse in the evening & at night

It’s just so easy to pop a bunch of pills

And get high

And forget all my worries

Forget all my cares

Forget everything around me really

Would be happier if I was popping a bunch of pills

It’s not even about doing it for the thrills

Life for me has just gotten that bad

Just feel like taking a razorblade to my arm

And making a piece of art

You then could see all the different pretty red colors

Blood is so shiny

It is so smooth

It is so red

Yet so dark at the same time

However I just can’t bring myself to cut

I don’t even have the energy to do that

I am just that depressed

I would rather sit in my own little world

Processing the thoughts in my head

Thinking to myself

Or writing poetry

Getting the words out

Sometimes I wish I could scream & shout

This is all his fault

He is to blame

He is the reason our moods change so quickly

We go from happy to depressed so fast

We are fine by ourselves

But around him our bipolar & depression kicks in

Wish life would change soon

This bipolar really is kicking my ass big time

We are tired of living life this way

We just want it all to change soon

We are just not sure we are strong enough to survive another day

I am trying to be strong for Jen

I am trying to be the strong one

So she can be the weak one

She may be trying to be strong

But she is breaking down

This is eating at her

It’s finally going to do her in one day

She will end up in a psych ward

And I might just end up in jail

Or we both just might end up in one or the other

I have such a rage

Like an animal that’s caged

I have so much built up anger

That will probably come out sooner or later

Rage

Anger